Kids, lock up your mothers. Nim’s Island is coming to a theater near you!
That’s right, children everywhere are anticipating seeing little Nim and her animal friends Chica, Selkie, and Fred while their mothers are freaking the hell right out because The Gerry will be appearing in not just one, but two kickass and mega sexy roles: Jack the American dad and Scottish adventurer Alex “I’d like to rove my hands all over” Rover.
The only problem I have with this film is that it’s geared towards children and I think that’s just plain selfish. Why the hell should I bring a kid to see this movie when they’re just gonna ruin the experience for me by talking as loudly as possible, asking endless questions, and getting up every five goddamn minutes to take a pee when all I want to do is drool at the screen for every single Gerry gesture, movement, or word spoken? I mean is there no justice in this world? What happened to the good old days when nobody really cared what kids wanted?
A friend of mine told me she would be bringing her three boys to see it and I shook her desperately, pleading with her “You can't bring the kids! This isn't a kid movie! Don’t do this to us!” Thank goodness my little guy is only 4 and won't even sit long enough to leave an impression of his buttcheeks in a chair. I'm going this one alone. So paint my face blue and hear me shout “Freedom!!!!!!!!!!!” the whole way to the theater.
Think about this. If you bring the kids, what’s going to happen? The same annoying crap that always happens.
“Mommy, I want more popcorn.”
“Mommy can I have soda?”
“But why can’t I have soda? The little boy in the front row is drinking one!”
“Mommy I have to go pee.”
“Mommy what’s happening in the movie now? “
“Mommy I spilled my soda” (because you bought him one just to shut him the hell up).
“What did the little girl say?” “Who’s Nim?” “What kind of a name is Nim?”
And on and on and on till you’re this close (you can’t see me pressing my thumb to the tip of my index finger, but you get the gist of it) to being arrested for child abuse and disorderly conduct in a public venue. Honestly, is it really worth it?
Then there’s the issue of the kids that actually WANT to see this film. They’re gonna hate you more than they already do if you ruin this for them by going together. I mean what do we as healthy adult women with excellent taste in men always do when we see Gerry in a film? Shriek, giggle, ooh and ahh over him as the film progresses till we’re gripping the arms of our chairs so tightly we wind up walking out with them in our hands when it’s all over. Kids are probably going to be shushing all the moms in the theater when it's usually the other way around.
If you have no choice but to take your rugrats with you then might I suggest one of my newest inventions. The bag of shame. Yes, this brown paper bag will fit perfectly over most children’s heads and can be accompanied perfectly by the Butler breathing apparatus for you. Hopefully these items will make your viewing experience a bit more tolerable. Good luck!
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